The Guilt I didn't earn

It wasn’t the perfect friendship. It went through all the ups & downs. But it was old like an old photograph of childhood, it may be blurred, dirty & even ugly but it’s precious & when it’s lost it’s always painful. 

We have been friends from the third grade. We never even allowed anyone else sit beside us in school. From the gossip of school to the heartbreaks, from the craziest fantasy to the deepest insecurity, every blunder we made with tiniest detail, we had shared everything. We were a rare bond of two people who could actually understand each other with no judgments. We had lived almost two decades with each other. We had witnessed each other’s hard work & experienced the journey of two silly girls turning into the women with ambitions. We often had something to complain about each-other just like normal human beings, but it never been enough to give up on our friendship. Years passed and our bond became precious to us.

We both got so occupied with the chaos of daily life that it became quite rare to meet in person.
But after so many failed plans, we finally decided to meet outside.

The comfort of meeting somebody, whom you don’t have to be prepared for in any manner, is something rare. We roamed in the streets, shopped, ate a lot and talked even more than that.
I was excited to share something with her from a long time but instead of telling her directly I gave her the task to “Spot the change on my face”. After so many wrong guesses such as “changed shape of eyebrows”, “new makeup” and so on. she gave up & then I told her about "all what happened."

It happened a few months ago and It was first like a hope to me, then puzzle, then trauma & finally proven to be a boon.

I always had been bothered by a mole on my cheek like so badly that I even could cut it off if it wouldn’t leave a mark. As I was growing up it was getting bigger right beside my nose & can be seen from almost every angle. I used to hide it with makeup and in pictures with camera filters.

One day when I had taken a half day leave & joined the office in the mid of the lunch break, I didn’t know I was going to find a solution for this. I met Riya , a very talkative & bubbly new joinee from another department had become a good company to hang out with. As time passes, we started sharing some of our personal lives and then I asked her if she could suggest a good yet affordable dermatologist who is good with removing mole & freckles.

What she said sounded like a melody to my ears with the metal beats. She suggested a home remedy which could remove any mole within two days as she claimed. I was so keen about it, that without giving a second thought I impulsively decided to try it on the coming weekend.

During these two days it was burning and paining like hell, also it became bigger in size. Riya just advised me to wait & let it work. On Monday morning I looked into the mirror and the mole was gone but left a scar there, that was paining so badly and got swelled. I was so worried so I called Riya she said it’ll be fine in no time. I was looking into the mirror thinking I was an idiot to trust that remedy blindly, cursing myself for my impulsive decision. It turned out to be a wound on the face. All the depressive thoughts were going on in my mind and I became numb with no clue what is going to happen next.
I decided to wait for a few more days before approaching the dermatologist & I never felt so lucky before, as the mark was almost vanished. I reached office after 6 days and everybody was able to notice some change on my face but couldn’t guess what that was. Then I asked a random colleague if I was looking okay & she said ‘even better’.  That’s when I finally felt relieved & I rushed to Riya, hugged her & thanked her for this super awesome remedy.

I remained excited about the wonder just happened to me that I used to ask everyone if they could spot the change on my face. And of course, I was super excited to share this with my best friend as well.

That was all I told her. I was so happy with the final result of the remedy that I might have skipped the a little trauma I went through until it my skin turns out to be normal.

Surprisingly, she behaved exactly the way I did when Riya told me about this, as she also had a few moles on her face but bigger than mine. Coincidentally she was about to visit a dermatologist to get all her moles removed with surgery but then she came to know, how pocket friendly that remedy was, she also decided to give it try.

I told her about the every possible risk that I had observed as per my experience. It was bleeding, got swelled & it took at least 5 days to make my face look normal enough to go outside. Still I must have sounded so positive about that, all because of my personal experience. She was so certain about trying this that she already applied for leaves from her work & just couldn’t wait to give it a try.

She went to her relatives as she couldn’t let her parents know about this and thought she’ll tell them once it’ll be alright. We stayed in touch on phone.  As the days were passing I was just hoping to hear from her with immense happiness, the same way I reacted after the mark was gone. I was hoping for her to call me & say, “it worked” because that was happened to me. I didn’t think what could have happened if it won’t work for her the same way it did for me & Riya.

A week had passed and she called me and what she said while she was crying was even a bigger trauma and I wasn’t prepared for that. Her voice left me with no words and I was not even able to reply her. She said “My whole face is swollen and I can’t even move her face, my neck is paining and the worst part, the moles are still here, even bigger & broader."

I immediately rushed to Riya and told her everything. “It sometimes doesn’t suit everyone” that was what she replied.

It was a matter of somebody’s face, a face of a very beautiful girl in her twenties. It was the matter of scars which could last for the lifetime. It was a matter of helplessness one was experiencing. I could relate to the feeling she was going through as I also had expected this to happen with me but was lucky enough not to face that.

I never expected, it could go wrong and I even thought, better it could have gone wrong in my case, at least I wouldn’t have even talked positively about this to her. But now I could not undo this.

It was the last time we heard the voice of each other when she told me it went wrong for her.
I tried reaching her on phone or texted her, she just replied once to say, “You are responsible for spoiling my life”

And the friendship I used to cherish, ended in the matter of a few minutes. It’s been almost a year now we never talked since then. I still think of it very often. If I could go back to time when we met, I would have stopped myself from even sharing the incident with her. We both are moving forward with our lives and we have to. I don’t know about her but I still do miss the times when thing were normal. 

I just can be glad, that she’s doing well in her life with as beautiful smile as before and there’s hardly a scar is visible on her face now. But things cannot go back to the normal between us and I have accepted that. Unwillingly, unknowingly but I have hurt her and that too with something which would always be keep reminding her what had happened.

I had read somewhere “The dearest people can turn into the strangers” and found it totally disagreeable years ago and now this is what I can relate with most.