A Gentleman

"Who's a Gentleman?"

 

Parth, a 6-years old boy asked his father. "You! my boy" he replied with a laugh. "No dad, tell me na, I wanna be a gentleman but don't know how to be one" said the boy.  

The father replied with curiosity, "who told you about gentleman?" "My teacher" the boy answered followed by the words "My teacher said a real gentleman is someone with integrity." 

"Well, your teacher is right. Integrity is all about being honest to all your relationships and being a same person publicly and privately but your are not mature enough to understand all of this at this age but you'll be a true gentleman I'm sure" the father said. 

"Are you a gentleman?" The boy asked his father. 

He tried hiding his hesitation, tried to sound firm. "Of course, I am" the father replied avoiding eye contact. 

The little boy thought, he had found what he was looking for, "A Gentleman" surprisingly he lives with one. 

And he came up with his questionnaire, so the chat continued.  

"Dad, how would people know who is real gentleman and who is faking around?" the boy again asked a question tricky enough to be answered by his father. 

"Umm, they'll just know!" The father said, scratching his head. And the door bell rang. "I'll open the door" the boy said. "Mommy, you're here" the boy said with excitement" 

Unaware of the deep conversation going on between the father and son, the mother said "why are you still awake? Go to bed".  "No mom, first you answer my question, "Who is a gentleman?" The boy asked the same question to his mother and hoped for a more satisfactory answer than his father gave.  

"A gentleman is a man with ethics and principles." The mother replied. "How come we know who is a  gentleman and who is not" boy asked. 

The mother said, “Remember, you’ll meet many people who speak softly and wear warm smiles, yet are quick to be triggered by opposing thoughts or by being called out for things they do but refuse to take responsibility for. They appear refined and charming, yet beneath it all lies a fragile ego and a pretentious persona, worn for so long that they forget who they truly are. Ironically, these are often the people the world calls gentlemen.”

"You want me to be a gentleman then?" The little boy asked. 

The mother held his little hands and said, "it depends, why you want to be a gentleman. If you want to be praised by people and society, if you want to be better than others or if you just want to be called "A Gentleman" then I would rather have a rude but a real man with character as my son. If you cannot mean what you say and portray, then it's just a little black hole which looks so fascinating at the entry but would never allow you or your loved ones to have peace of mind. But if you want to be a gentleman to acquire the real qualities of one, then you need not necessarily try to be one. Become a man who makes people believe in themselves, a man with enough tolerance for criticism, a man who chooses the right path rather an easy one and a man who never cheats anyone."

"Would I be a gentleman like dad?" The boy askes her mother as he has portrayed his father as a Hero in his mind.

"Either you can be a true Gentleman or like your father. Never both." The mother said in her mind. 

"You will be one, but not like me,” the father replied, masking his discomfort with a smile. That day he realized that a crafted image may hold for a while, but it begins to fade the moment your inner reality can no longer keep pace with it.

"He has always seen a hero in you, hope you won't make him regret that. The lady said to her husband.

Uninvited Hopes

It was a day of july, heavy rain was expected, the sky was covered with black clouds & it was no longer a sunny day. 

The shops were closing, the hawkers were wrapping their stuff, people were returning to their homes & I was headed to meet you. Unaware of my destiny I left home with a bag, water bottle, umbrella & a scarf. 

After standing for 15 minutes on bus stops in heavy rain & irresistible wind I realized that I had expected too much from the bus service. But I couldn't go back to home without submitting my form for the admission. 

Being a procrastinator, it wasn't new for me to rush at the very last moment but this time I actually thought I won't be able to make it. 

I finally got on the bus & reached to the stop you told me and you called me at the very right moment saying; "Where are you? Would you be able to reach on time? Okay just follow the directions" 

Running towards the building, all with my wet clothes and wet shoes I almost slipped in front of you but you didn't notice thankfully. 

"why do I have to be clumsy all the time?" I asked myself. 

Probably I was the last student in the batch but you managed to place me in the first row. I was keep thanking you & you said "No problem" with a smile. 

That was the day a new chapter started in my life and you were going to play an important role. Being a procrastinator I have a tendency to realise things quite late. But I must say, you were so consistent and patient too. I could sense the change in you occurred in the last couple of weeks but hope is a murderer of existing happiness. 

I was going with the flow without realising the flow was taking me towards you. I can't call it love but whatever it felt like was no less than magic. I remember the gleam in my eyes & that confidence was like an uninvited guest. Something was about to happen I knew. 

I had never come across a person so grounded, so polite, so helpful yet strict when it comes to his principles. There was a lot to learn from you. Where people lack basic etiquettes, you hold the every possible quality of a gentleman within you. How would I not fall for you?

I'm glad, the frustration you tried to hide when I purposely ignored you, to make sure it mattered to you, the jealousy you bluntly manifested whenever I hung out with others, were not enough for me to be sure of you as a girl. But there was something else that you neither tried to hide nor show but I still saw. That was your "Helplessness". It felt like you were keep coming to me but weren't willing to, like you regretted every time you had shown your feelings to me, like you wanted to hold onto me but couldn't come along with me. 

All these thought were fading the cloud of my imagination so that I could see the things clearly. 

Your sharp gaze was enough to make me forget all my doubts but I had to stop myself looking into those eyes. Your indecisiveness was getting on my nerves. But it wasn't something I could easily give up on. 

And the day came, when all my bubbles were about to busrt. No matter how much we ignore our gut feeling but we can't escape what is destined to happen. 

She came there to surprise you. She even greeted all of us. A wise person with beautiful smile. You are lucky to have her I must say. She was so good that I hated myself for a moment for whatever I had thought of us both. 

We got an invitation for your wedding & I got a lesson for lifetime. "Our feelings don't define us, our choices do." I congratulated you & you said "thank you". I could see an apology in your eyes for leading me on with the intentions and hopes that you were never supposed to fulfill. 

I don't judge you. There were no promises, no commitments that you had broken & sometimes we are puppets of our feelings & I'm glad, in the end you did the right thing by letting me go.

Morning Coffee

Woke up on time still I was running late

Almost skipped the breakfast but couldn't skip my coffee! Rushed to the kitchen, made a cup of coffee "Too hot to drink right away" I thought.

So I moved to drawing area, to polish my shoes, then to my room to tie my hair. Now I just wanted to have my coffee. I went back to grab it but wait, "did I pack my lunch and what about tank, is it full?" I again left it unattained!

The coffee waited, when it wasn't ready,  when it was ready and when it lost its essence. It just waited. The moment I hold the coffee mug I knew,  I made it wait for too long. 

Disappointments don't turn into new hopes everyday. So better we should not let ourselves wait for what matters. You can't put anything first and value that the least and then regret. Right time isn't about the perfect timing. Perfect timing occurs when things are done timely.

The Ray of Love

I know it’s not morning yet 

and it’s been so long I have seen any light

the shining stars gave up on comforting me 

the moon is keep fading away 

the ruling wind is no more resistible

but the dark, it remains the same.

I’m glad, you keep walking with me

and you make me feel the way I never been 

I don’t know what I have done to be worthy of this

But your love keeps me going with so much ease 

you treasure the tears I shaded off 

and wear them like they are full of sheen

Not sure if you are a firefly resting on my shoulder 

or looking at me with eyes full of gleam 

but except you, nothing is any more precious to me 

without you, even in the light nothing can be seen. 

याद भी बाक़ी नहीं!

याद भी बाक़ी नहीं

उस किरदार की जो बचपन में निभाया था

बेबाक़ कुछ भी कह जाती थी 

बेखौफ़ कुछ भी कर जाती थी 

फिर सलीका सिखाने को 

घरवालों ने बेड़ा उठाया

"लड़कियां ऐसे नहीं बोलतीं"

"वैसे नहीं बैठती"

"यहाँ नहीं जाती"

"रात बाहर नहीं रहती"

सीख लिए सब तौर तरीके 

और खो दिया वो किरदार 

जिसकी अब याद भी बाकी नहीं!

..है तो ज़िन्दगी ही

ज़िन्दगी के मायने अलग है 

पर है तो ज़िन्दगी ही.. तेरी भी मेरी भी

हर सुबह सवेरा नहीं होता मेरा 

पर रात तो होती है.. तेरी भी मेरी भी 

गुमनाम सही, पर आवारगी पालते है 

ख्वाहिशें कुछ तो रह जाती हैं.. तेरी भी मेरी भी 

मुख़्तसर सी मोहलत नहीं मिलती महलों में 

न मुसाफिर यहाँ थम पाता है 

उम्र जी लेते हैं उम्र भर 

ज़िन्दगी रह जाती है.. तेरी भी मेरी भी!

The Guilt I didn't earn

It wasn’t the perfect friendship. It went through all the ups & downs. But it was old like an old photograph of childhood, it may be blurred, dirty & even ugly but it’s precious & when it’s lost it’s always painful. 

We have been friends from the third grade. We never even allowed anyone else sit beside us in school. From the gossip of school to the heartbreaks, from the craziest fantasy to the deepest insecurity, every blunder we made with tiniest detail, we had shared everything. We were a rare bond of two people who could actually understand each other with no judgments. We had lived almost two decades with each other. We had witnessed each other’s hard work & experienced the journey of two silly girls turning into the women with ambitions. We often had something to complain about each-other just like normal human beings, but it never been enough to give up on our friendship. Years passed and our bond became precious to us.

We both got so occupied with the chaos of daily life that it became quite rare to meet in person.
But after so many failed plans, we finally decided to meet outside.

The comfort of meeting somebody, whom you don’t have to be prepared for in any manner, is something rare. We roamed in the streets, shopped, ate a lot and talked even more than that.
I was excited to share something with her from a long time but instead of telling her directly I gave her the task to “Spot the change on my face”. After so many wrong guesses such as “changed shape of eyebrows”, “new makeup” and so on. she gave up & then I told her about "all what happened."

It happened a few months ago and It was first like a hope to me, then puzzle, then trauma & finally proven to be a boon.

I always had been bothered by a mole on my cheek like so badly that I even could cut it off if it wouldn’t leave a mark. As I was growing up it was getting bigger right beside my nose & can be seen from almost every angle. I used to hide it with makeup and in pictures with camera filters.

One day when I had taken a half day leave & joined the office in the mid of the lunch break, I didn’t know I was going to find a solution for this. I met Riya , a very talkative & bubbly new joinee from another department had become a good company to hang out with. As time passes, we started sharing some of our personal lives and then I asked her if she could suggest a good yet affordable dermatologist who is good with removing mole & freckles.

What she said sounded like a melody to my ears with the metal beats. She suggested a home remedy which could remove any mole within two days as she claimed. I was so keen about it, that without giving a second thought I impulsively decided to try it on the coming weekend.

During these two days it was burning and paining like hell, also it became bigger in size. Riya just advised me to wait & let it work. On Monday morning I looked into the mirror and the mole was gone but left a scar there, that was paining so badly and got swelled. I was so worried so I called Riya she said it’ll be fine in no time. I was looking into the mirror thinking I was an idiot to trust that remedy blindly, cursing myself for my impulsive decision. It turned out to be a wound on the face. All the depressive thoughts were going on in my mind and I became numb with no clue what is going to happen next.
I decided to wait for a few more days before approaching the dermatologist & I never felt so lucky before, as the mark was almost vanished. I reached office after 6 days and everybody was able to notice some change on my face but couldn’t guess what that was. Then I asked a random colleague if I was looking okay & she said ‘even better’.  That’s when I finally felt relieved & I rushed to Riya, hugged her & thanked her for this super awesome remedy.

I remained excited about the wonder just happened to me that I used to ask everyone if they could spot the change on my face. And of course, I was super excited to share this with my best friend as well.

That was all I told her. I was so happy with the final result of the remedy that I might have skipped the a little trauma I went through until it my skin turns out to be normal.

Surprisingly, she behaved exactly the way I did when Riya told me about this, as she also had a few moles on her face but bigger than mine. Coincidentally she was about to visit a dermatologist to get all her moles removed with surgery but then she came to know, how pocket friendly that remedy was, she also decided to give it try.

I told her about the every possible risk that I had observed as per my experience. It was bleeding, got swelled & it took at least 5 days to make my face look normal enough to go outside. Still I must have sounded so positive about that, all because of my personal experience. She was so certain about trying this that she already applied for leaves from her work & just couldn’t wait to give it a try.

She went to her relatives as she couldn’t let her parents know about this and thought she’ll tell them once it’ll be alright. We stayed in touch on phone.  As the days were passing I was just hoping to hear from her with immense happiness, the same way I reacted after the mark was gone. I was hoping for her to call me & say, “it worked” because that was happened to me. I didn’t think what could have happened if it won’t work for her the same way it did for me & Riya.

A week had passed and she called me and what she said while she was crying was even a bigger trauma and I wasn’t prepared for that. Her voice left me with no words and I was not even able to reply her. She said “My whole face is swollen and I can’t even move her face, my neck is paining and the worst part, the moles are still here, even bigger & broader."

I immediately rushed to Riya and told her everything. “It sometimes doesn’t suit everyone” that was what she replied.

It was a matter of somebody’s face, a face of a very beautiful girl in her twenties. It was the matter of scars which could last for the lifetime. It was a matter of helplessness one was experiencing. I could relate to the feeling she was going through as I also had expected this to happen with me but was lucky enough not to face that.

I never expected, it could go wrong and I even thought, better it could have gone wrong in my case, at least I wouldn’t have even talked positively about this to her. But now I could not undo this.

It was the last time we heard the voice of each other when she told me it went wrong for her.
I tried reaching her on phone or texted her, she just replied once to say, “You are responsible for spoiling my life”

And the friendship I used to cherish, ended in the matter of a few minutes. It’s been almost a year now we never talked since then. I still think of it very often. If I could go back to time when we met, I would have stopped myself from even sharing the incident with her. We both are moving forward with our lives and we have to. I don’t know about her but I still do miss the times when thing were normal. 

I just can be glad, that she’s doing well in her life with as beautiful smile as before and there’s hardly a scar is visible on her face now. But things cannot go back to the normal between us and I have accepted that. Unwillingly, unknowingly but I have hurt her and that too with something which would always be keep reminding her what had happened.

I had read somewhere “The dearest people can turn into the strangers” and found it totally disagreeable years ago and now this is what I can relate with most.

               

A Rainy Thought

Who would I be?

Who would I be

if I change myself

Like everyone else

there's something within me

that I too wanna get rid of but

who would I be if not this pain, if not this insane.

Would it be easier to bear it then

if I bury my fragile heart in the cold sand

How would it make sense 

to leave my calling unanswered behind

If I really let all my fears go,

if I really win all my doubts over

what can guarantee that there'll not be something new

If I would change myself thoroughly, would it be really me 

& if not, then who would I be.

The bracelet she tied

'I would never buy it myself 

or even wouldn't notice

It was a typical colourful band 

with many tiny ghungaroos.'

That's what I thought when I first saw that bracelet. 

I was late but finally had reached before they had left for the engagement of my cousin. There was a pooja going on & everyone was in ethnic attires except me. People looked at me like I was an uninvited outsider but that was okay until she was accompanying me. 

 

The pooja was over & I too got a bracelet to tie like every unmarried girl there & before I could say 'can I keep it in my bag' my cousin said 'let me help you to tie it' & I said 'thanks' 

 

At that time it was the only traditional thing I was wearing & I was certain I'll take it off very soon. I never been too girlish, though I thought the bracelet wasn't suitable for me & was making so much noise. 

 

Day passed & I got used to the bracelet. The sound it makes every time I move my hand was no longer bothering me. I caught myself purposely shaking my hand to make that noise & that was weird at first.

 

It was the wedding day & I was a bridesmaid, panicking about my dress, hair, shoes & so on. But everything went well & she was gone to her new home.

 

I too returned to my home. Recalling our childhood memories with wet eyes, I noticed the bracelet on my hand she tied & hugged my hand so tightly like I would never take it off my hand. 

 

No matter what I thought of it the day I first saw it but now it's precious to me & symbol of our bond. 

My love for the Moon